Five Minutes of Dilapidated Cigarettes
by an awesome blossom
Summary: [Drabbles: LinkReDead & ZeldaIlia] A Five Minutes Of spinoff series continued from Dilapidated Penis and Decisions and Cigarettes. Link meets Stephen the Irish ReDead at a bar and brings Stephen to his hometown disguised as Stephanie.
1. Dilapidated Penis: Link & Stephen

**FIVE MINUTES OF DILAPIDATED PENIS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_So Link and a ReDead walk into a bar..._

The Five Minutes Of drabble which unfortunately spawned an entire mini-series. Prompt "word" for this one was "dilapidated penis", I shit you not. Warnings for (im)mature content, language, and general wtf-ery. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"Stephen," Link sighed lustily, "please...I need your dilapidated penis! Now! Please!" 

Stephen the Irish ReDead had been a formal military officer and stationed in the Arbiter's Grounds when he first met Link. They got off to a rough start at first after he attacked Link and Link nearly killed him, but after all that shit with the Twilight Realm was over, they met again in the Arbiter's Grounds' prestigious Undead Bar when Link had come back for some really awesome treasure he saw before.

It was love at first sight, and it was all they could do to keep their hands off each other. Finally, the bartender Stallord (who had apologized profusely for his previous actions, but Link said it was cool since he had such a fun time) had to tell the two to get a room.

Which they did.

Stephen and his dilapidated penis stood at full attention, lusting hungrily at the sight of Link on all fours, ass up in the air...


	2. Decisions and Cigarettes: Link & Stephen

**FIVE MINUTES OF DECISIONS AND CIGARETTES  
**by an awesome blossom  
_A cigarette is fleeting; an undead lover is forever._

Prompt 'word' being "decisions and cigarettes". _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Stephen looked at Link rather crossly. "Put that thing away," he said, trying to pull the cigarette from Link's mouth. 

"No way," Link murmured as he turned away from his undead lover, cigarette still between his lips. "I need this one."

"You need cancer?"

Link simply rolled his eyes and leaned back into the pillows of the cheap motel bed.

"Come on, Link. Pay attention to...me?" Stephen all but pleaded as he ran bone fingers over the smooth expanse of the former hero's chest.

"You know, I think you're jealous of this cigarette," Link said wryly as he closed his eyes and inhaled.

"Of course," Stephen murmured as he pressed his lips against Link's ear. "I'm jealous of anything occupied between your lips...that's not me."

Link sighed. "In a minute."

"Come on. The cigarette can't be THAT good."

"Oh but it is."

"It's either me or the cigarette, Hero."

Link kept smoking, and if Stephen had any skin, it would have been colored a rageful red.


	3. Internet Slang: Link & Stephanie

**FIVE MINUTES OF INTERNET SLANG**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link and Stephen travel to Ordon Village._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

The journey from the desert to the tiny village of Ordon is a week long, but they manage to make it in four days. 

"Oh don't be so nervous that I can hear your bones rattle! You'll be fine," Link assured. "They'll love you."

As they reached Link's home just outside the village, Stephen pulled his blue bonnet further over his face out of embarrassment. "It's just that, ah, this outfit..."

Dismounting Epona, Link leaned over to give his undead lover a kiss on the cheek. "But it's necessary! It's the only way they'll accept you..."

Stephen fanned out his blue dress. "I know, but...this is a little humiliating."

"You'll get used to it," he chuckled and took Stephen (heretoafter known as Stephanie)'s arm as they made their way into town. "Good morning, Beth!"

"Double-yoo-tee-eff," Beth murmured, eyeing Stephanie strangely as she yawned. "Uh, hey."

As they passed, Link rolled his eyes and murmured lowly, "That's Beth, the village prostitot. I think she spends all night camwhoring herself on the internet."

Stephanie shuddered and tried not to think of what other freaks might reside in the town.


	4. Explicit: Link, Stephanie, & Epona

**FIVE MINUTES OF EXPLICITNESS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_This is a daydream, I swear._

Warnings for language, sex, CAPSLOCK, and general wtfery. Also written while I was significantly doped up on NyQuil. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"OH OH OH OH YES!!!!!!" STEPH-I mean Stephen(ie) moaned from the basement of Link's house as LINK FUCKED HIS ASS, MAN. They did it in the basement to hide from the prying eyes of Epona and Colin who liked to pry with their eyes. "FUCK ME BABY YEAH!!!!!!!" 

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" Link cried out rapturously as he cummed geisers up Stephen(ie)'s undead ass which was really just pelvic bone and seriously what the fuck how was he even fucking him in the first place well anyway he pretty much shot his load on the floor.

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU, TOO," Stephan(ie) cried out with originality, and he cummed geisers as well.

"THIS IS FUCKING SWEET, MAN," EPONA WHINNIED F-er, from upstairs, and she, too, cummed geisers.

"DAMMIT EPONA YOU BETTER NOT HAVE RUINED MY CURTAINS."

Epona fled from the scene as that's exactly what she did.


	5. Dinosaur: Link, Stephanie, Ilia, & Zelda

**FIVE MINUTES OF DINOSAURS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Stephanie fears freaks and dinosaurs._

I was, uh, _drinking_ when I wrote this. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"ROAAAAAAAAR!!!" something roared!!!

And it was Bo.

"Dad, shut the fuck up," Ilia frowned as she wrapped her arm around Zelda secretly, her LESBIAN LOVER come home (or on vacation) for a short while.

Stephen(ie) trembled, afraid of dinosaurs. "Honey, I just had a strange daydream about us fucking wildly and then Epona ruined the curtains."

Lesbian Zelda gave Stephanie a strange look. "Where did you say you were from, Stephanie?"

"YOUR MOM."

"FUCK," Zelda exclaimed. "I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS CHECKING YOU OUT."

- "Honey," Stephanie sighed as she clutched Link's arm on the way to Bo's house, "I keep having these strange visions about freaks..."

Link frowned. "Freaks? There aren't any of those in Ordon."

But there were, Link, there were. They may not have been Lesbian Zelda and Lesbian Ilia, but they were there, lying in waiting.

"Hi," Malo greeted, and Stephanie screamed.


	6. Reconcile: Link & Stephanie

**FIVE MINUTES OF RECONCILIATION**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link and Stephen are going to Bo's house for real this time._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"I'm going home." 

Link turned around at the sound of the obstinate and frustrated voice behind him. "W-what? Why?"

Stephen tugged at his bonnet. "I don't know, Link, things just don't seem to be working out! There are all these strange freaks running amok, and I have to wear these ridiculous clothes just to be accepted..."

Frowning, Link bit his lip, and Stephen continued.

"Things were just simpler back home in the Arbiter's Grounds. I didn't have to dress YOU up for everyone to accept you...and everyone is so normal... So I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't want to meet your freaky friends. I want to go home." And with that Stephen turned and marched away.

For a moment, Link stared in shock, but then his adrenaline began to rush. "Stephen...ie!" he caught himself as he called after his undead lover, running after him. "Wait! Don't go!" He caught Stephen's bony hand. "Please don't go!"

"I'm sorry, Link... It's just not working out."

"W-what do you mean by that?"

"Just...this!" he began to walk away again, but Link caught him again and held his hidden skeleton form against his chest.

"But Stephen! I love you!" Link cried out.

Looking into his eyes, Stephen wondered why his eyes were so shiny. Normal people back home never got shiny eyes (didn't quite have eyes, actually, and if they did they were dry). It was just another reminder of how different they were.

"That's why I want everyone to meet you!" he continued. "Because I love you! And...and the dress and gender-change is only temporary. I mean, learning that my lover is a ReDead, well it's going to be scary for them! Do you understand?"

Stephen wanted to stand his ground, but something about those eyes of his lover's made him weak in his bony knees, and so he melted. "I'll...I'll endure. For you!"

Link's face lit up, and he kissed Stephen on his nose cavity gently. "Now come on, let's go to Bo's house. For real this time."

Nodding, they walked to the mayor's place in residence hand in hand.

For real this time.


End file.
